Lad Celebrity Lookalikes

Following a highly successful lads on tour….the countdown really is on for the party of the year down Mykonos way…if anyone ever doubted Mykono’s credentials no lad should fear after world famous Austrian Fashionista Bruno gave it the thumbs up in his latest movie saying “I suffocated a hamster in Mykonos”!

As we count the days down by jacking off senslessly to pictures of various hotties we encountered in barcelona, we would like to bring you some further material (unless your wayne gretsky, cos in that case you dont need material) to aid these times of restlessness. We would like to present to you, the lads celebrity lookalikes part 1..or rather the celebrities who try to hard to look like us lads…Enjoy!

The Prophet and Gay Basher Rapper cum white boy Slim Shady

No one can deny the similaries between our very own Prophet and recent Bruno victim Eminem . These two not only share a certain unique physical similarity, but their personality and long history of sexual harassment law suits also go hand in hand.

Wayne Gretsky and Edward “The Incredible Hulk” Norton

Ok, so Edward Norton as far as we know never came into a pint of beer, but the resemblance between our very own Bruce Wayne and the star of Fight Club is uncanny. Rumour has it that Edward gains access to the worlds hottest clubs by using Wayne’s name, while Wayne often hitch-hikes using Ed’s.

SuperDry and B-Rate Hollwood Crazy Train Gary Busey

Gary Busey, most famous for his roles in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Lethal Weapon,  suffered severe head trama in 1988 which has left him mentally unstable. Recent events on a certain Easy Jet flight left Superdry stunned and wild-eyed which led to comparisons with Hollywoods craziest B-lister Gary.  Superdry has been known in the press to be labelled “a younger, more good looking Busey”. I’d have to agree…

Keep checkin the site for the next batch of look-a-likes you cloche-fin sympathisers!

The Lads – Swiss National

• Name: J0rd@n H@ll
• D.O.B: 3/12/1987
• Nationality: Prime British meat/Swiss cheese nationalist
• Lad Name: Swiss national

This Appalacian master has been known to climb mountains only to nose dive off thier peaks, attached only by his titanium nutsack to several packs of wild mountain goats. As a resident of the Rives Thames area, he has been seen many a night breaking onto private boats and mildly ejaculating on the captains chair, only to snort like a pig thereafter and sing Sting’s epic “englishman in New York” in a young girls voice. Do not let his neutral Swiss nationality sway you into a pseudo-comfort zone though, for this man has been known to destroy clunge on many a virgin land and is wanted by Interpol on account of 3 rapes and 1 and a half murders.

He is currently in hiding serving illegal alcoholic beverages to minors/miners, in an attempt to use thier skin as a duvet cover for his new Dow Feather filled luxury duvet (13 tog).  Let this not deter you though, for this man exudes sheer class, opting on many a night to go to the local nightclub, find some muff and then proceed to have a dance off with them, impersonating Michael Jackson to an unsubstanciated level. Swiss national has in fact, recieved training from MJ himself, not in dancing and singing, but in proclaiming  “I like to touch the children”, usually in the crowded lobbies of 5 star hotels.

This machismo man is so important, they even named a country after him (and after all, who can honestly boast the same?).

A true lad, there from the beginning and I suspect, there till the end.

I tip my hat to you fine sir.

The Lads – KEEEEEEEE!

• Name: KeOnas  Ghahar1an
• D.O.B: July 3rd
• Nationality: Xerxes
• Lad Name: Keeeeeee!(pronounced KEY-HEE ,in a screechy voice perfected by La Costa Nova)

With only a few lads remaining before the tour hits Barca,  we shall be looking at the mysterious life of a man known as The Key.

Close friend and ally of the Cos-Father they grew up side by side and together they strolled the yards of Kingston Grammar school, owning chavs and pounding vadge.

Key has since moved on to become an international man of mystery. Hitting London’s finest clubs, dressed in only the finest of Gouch-i satin suits by night, playing rounds of poker in the Bellagio while sharing Angelina Jolie with Brad by  morning. He hits the cosmopolitan isle of Mykonos with George Bust Snr during the summer months, and plies  his trade as a stock broker during the fall like an Italian renaissance sculptur, making the NASDAQ look like a transgendered hooker suckling on crack rock while being double penetrated in the ass by Japanese businessmen.

His lads acumen is second to none, and is known in some parts as the Bare-Back King of the Jungle.Protection? This man needs it not… An ancient Aztec foke-tale, tells of the man who holds the key to every vagina in the land, many believe our Key is the personification of this prophecy. His penis bounds from vagina to vagina like a gazelle, knowing no boundaries, tearing up clunge like it was no ones business, to the beat of Armand Van Helden.

Fresh from a recent round with Brangelina, the Key will surely be picking many a lock in Barca, its been reported that the muff is lining up to take him in….

With a man like this by your side, even the Lads with the smallest of penises (Phil) have a chance to get some meat flaps wrapped round their trunks…

The Lads – Mr. Port Bagaz

• Name: Th0m@s Dunn|ng
• D.O.B: August 4th
• Nationality: Spartan warrior child
• Lad Name: Mr. Port Bagaz

So here we are again my dearest friends, together in perfect harmony, awaiting our departure to the promised land. With less than a month to go I would like to introduce to you one of the greatest lads that has graced this fine earth. This towering monolith, this modern day gay mecca stands above us all as a pillar or cornerstone if you will of the lad society. His exuberant nature makes all who know him instantly jizz in their designer Calvin Klein tightey whiteys and then cum again immediately afterwards, forming a mushroom cloud of flour-like proportions above the persons japseye. This is because said person dusts his knob with mescaline so when he cums air it forms a mushroom cloud of disaster.

Mr. Port Bagaz has been a long time employee and bodyguard of mafia kingpin “The Duke”, and has taken 5 bullets to the tip of his penis on 5 separate occassions. This has resulted in a spectacular penis shape, that causes him urinate out of 6 holes like a rudimentary sprinkler system designed by the minister of agriculture in a sub-saharan African nation (I’m thinking Somalia). A master torturer, Mr. Port Bagaz has been known to fart on the incapacitated faces of young children to get them to spill the metaphorical beans all over his face. He has done time in prison and can be seen playing the character of Theodore “T-Bag” Bagwell in Prison Break alongside Michael Schofield god rest his soul, where he is repeatedly raped and beaten by his fellow inmates.

Mr. Port Bagaz is known to perform lewd sexual acts in public. One key witness claims he saw this definition of a lad, “Virulantly grab a females flabby breasts, spit on their omelette shaped nipples,and then proceed to headbutt her facial cavity with a tenacity that Susan Boyle would be proud of”. A lesser known fact that emerges from the scientific literature on Mr. Port Bagaz is that his body is comprised of 99% Methamphetamine and it is due to this fact that he allows methheads to suckle on his nipples, eagerly milking his sweet meth-nectar.

Mr. Port Bagaz has been known to finger alpha-females in the corner of clubs on numerous occassions, and I for one hope this trend continues down Barcelona way. May I note that for the purposes of LOT, Mr. Port Bagaz has been deemed both an asset and a liability by the board of directors of LOT incorporated (2009 ammendment 2.1).

Next time we shall examine the sick workings of a man known to his associates as KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Until next time, sleep well fair maidens.

L.O.T TOP 10 LATINO HEATS 2009 – part 2

Our LOT countdown continues as we bring you the top 5 hottest women us lads have ever imagined whilst knocking one out….

5.Elisha Cuthbert

The girl every man wishes they had next door, or in between their knees,with that blonde head bobbing for your apples….First hit our screens in 24 as television tough guy Jack Bauer’s daughtger, with a daughter this hot, no one would be suprised if Jack pulled a Fritzel with this one..

4.Adriana Lima

Born in the Brazilian slums, where it is believed models like this are grown on trees, id to petition a tour to these slums, to hand pick some freshly popped 16 year old Brazilian cherries. A devout Catholic, will only sleep with you if you marry her, however since marrying 14 year olds is legal in Brazil, it will probably easier to convince a younger less legal version…

3.Natalie Portman

No one can pull off  “im bald” and “im a hot twelve year old with a gun” quite like our friend from Israel.  Having recently fucked a king in the “Other Boleyn Girl” she  also caught our eye in Closer as an exotic stripper. In the past, no man can deny wanting to shine one off on her bald head in “V for Vendetta”, while due to internet laws its best to not say much about her performance in Leon, but i know what your thinking…

2.Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba, the only non-black black to make our list comes in at number 2. Despite a lame performance in The Fantastic Four, her spandex suit left our bugglers far from lame.  As of last year, lads will be happy to know Jessica is now a bonafied MILF and despite Bruce Willis sexually harassing her on the set of Sin City (who wouldnt), you’ll be pleased to know she will be back to reprise her role of pre-teen poll dance later this year in Sin City 2.

and finally..our top spot goes to…

1.Megan Foxxx

I’ll just let you enjoy these pictures, and the feel of your own numb left hand….

L.O.T TOP 10 LATINO HEATS 2009

Women everywhere for the past 22 years or so, have been trying their damned hardest to look like the latino heats a lad on tour would want to bareback on a roof…we got the toight asses, the waxed legs, the freshly operated on breasts and the vadge flaps to match..  as promised, we now run down the definitive list as voted by you the lads, enjoy!

10. Kate Beckinsale

One of the few english lasses to escape the page 3 curse of an ugly face and a massive set of mammary glands, she  rose to Lad prominence in 2003 after starring in the multiple Oscar winning trilogy “Underworld”.  How can anyone forget her clad-in-leather performace, which left us all wondering how one might gain access to her underworld?

9.Catalina Cruz

Born in Cleveland, home of the legendary Cleveland Steamer, this cougar of a pornstar has caught the imagination of stealth wankers everywhere. The current size of her breasts is DD  prompting  one lad to proclaim “Catalina Cruz (my favourite MILF) #1 I love her. Will fuck her one day.” May we all be so lucky…

8.Jennifer Connelly

A teen model turned actress, was recently seen tearing around Africa chasing Leo and his Blood Diamonds. Appeared in cult drug movie Requiem for a Dream, where much to every mans delight she shares a double-headed dildo in the ass with another woman, while affluent Japanese business men jack themselves off using Uncle Sams green dollar. For England!

7.Jennifer Lopez

Failed actress/pop-star or vice versa, captivated audiences everywhere when starring in the Academy Acclaimed action flick Anaconda where she was chased by a whopping snake, who wanted to put her in its mouth. Current husband Mark Anthony was quoted as saying “In our house, its often the other way round”. Respect…

6.Penelope Cruz

One of the orginial Latino Heats, and one of the only true Espana Puta to make the list,if all Spanish mounara is like this, then Barca is gonna be one sticky ride. In a recent interview one lad was asked who he would most want on his dick, his reply…?

“Penelope Cruz on my dick!”

Great imagery comes to mind…

Stand by as our countdown continues all the way to number 1….

Truly All Over for Fat Spanish Waiter

Our condolences to the fat spanish waiter, may we meet him in Barcelona and invite him out for some tapas…and a toast to the Champions!

He’s so bitter i can taste those almonds…

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Bopara thanks GOOCH after Century of pain”

One man thanking another mans gooch could ony come from the spectacular world of cricket…no doubt in Barcelona it will be latino heat virgins thanking the lads for their gooches….

Warning!

It is not cool to be a lad on tour when your forty and you have no hair….correction, its fucking cool!

I hope we look like this one day…

The Lads – The Prophet

• Name: Will.I.Am Ano Dominai
• DOB:Februarrry 12
• Nationality: Alexander The Great
• Lad Name: The Prophet

Will A.D, often referred to as “The Prophet” by his devout followers throughout humanity, has been a stalwart in the cult known as  “lads on Tour” (or Lamda Omikron Taf, for you frat brothers out there ) .  Mystery and speculation cloud his origins much like the origins of swine flu. To date, scientists and archaeologists have been studying this man, trying to uncover the tainted veil that covers the hidden truth that shrouds his existence.

The Prophet himself had always been in the dark over the circumstances that led to his birth, and his thirst for the truth led him to UCL University where he currently studies history. It has been said that his research led him to the Greek region of Macedonia where he lived for several months. It was here that he discovered  he was in fact a direct descendent of Alexander the Great and the rightful heir to the Macedonian throne. Upon realizing this, The Prophet moved north to the Former Yugoslavic Republic of Macedonia, with one thing in mind. Taking back what was rightfully his. A 14-day killing spree ensued where The Prophet using nothing but his Macedonian forehead (the same forehead Alexander the Great used centuries before him) slaughtered 204 slavs, Turks and other racial minorities while managing to wipe out the whole Alban Warrior race. During the battle he managed to leave women of all ages pregnant in a quest to populate the land with men of Greek heritage. The UN labeled him “The One Man Battle Ram”, while the World Health Organization also warned that women swallowing his semen should note that the acidity may cause serious internal damage.

In 2007, The Prophet headed up the Lamda Omikron Taf expedition to the island of Mykonos. The warrior inside him had not died and the Prophet immersed himself in abusing 6 year old midgets, berating disabled persons chewing on red sticks, bungee jumping into bins and accosting Darth Maul in a battle that will go down in history.  It has been speculated that Darth Maul reacted angrily at The Prophets constant jibes about his lack of light saber and the needless black paint on Darth’s face. He later found out this was in fact his natural skin colour. Reports however that he raped a pelican in the mouth with his balls and shaft are far from true.

Hours before this epic confrontation , The Prophet outlandishly raided an Afghani training camp  raping several Latino Heat virgins in the process and poaching their virginities like the trained pussy-master he was born to be. He also managed to swindle many great treasures such as the holy sandal and cape which were responsible for giving one of the lads a hernia in the anus as soon as he set eyes on the glorious trinkets. Note the holy sandal and the omen of absolute Camel-Toe that it symbolises.

The Prophet also laid foundations to a grandiose monument in the Dukes garden by taking a gargantuan dump behind a tree. The lavish shit was created with incredible handsomeness and richness and people have often been heard commenting on the great aroma that lingers since the faeces were laid, commenting on a nutty, but dry fragrance that stimulates the senses.

Recently the Prophet was hospitalized when he tore out his own tonsils in order to perform better cunnalingus, while he also pioneered the classic Lad past time of pole dancing while trying to drag loose Latino Heats upon on the pole with him.

It should be duly noted that the Prophets poison of choice is a tie between Southern Comfort and Jack Daniels for, and I quote

They seem to be the only thing that can make my shit black enough to resemble an African farmer picking Almonds in the scorching Saharan Heat while making sure a rattle snake doesnt enter his dark chocolate starfish

Stand by to see this man flip the bird up a bitches ass near you and trust me, he will….

Next time on Lads On Tour profiles…stand by for the story of a man who rapes Russian ladyboys in the trunk of his car…the Lads On Tour True Hollywood story, continues with Th0ma Dunn|ng.